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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Report: Syria Running Dangerously Low On Civilians To Oppress

DAMASCUS—Noting that without the brutal subjugation of its masses a totalitarian state is effectively meaningless, Syrian officials announced this week that the country is experiencing a severe shortage of civilians to tyrannize. "After a year of continuously putting down popular uprisings with increasingly extreme violence, the regime is now running very low on people to crush beneath its iron fist," said Prime Minister Adel Safar, later adding that the government would need to seriously reevaluate its approach to indiscriminate slaughter, with an eye toward rebuilding a healthy population of oppressible citizens. "Effective immediately, we will focus more on murdering the sick and the old, while placing reasonable limits on the execution of pregnant women in the streets." The Syrian government is also reportedly looking into the possibility of importing roughly 50,000 people from Iran, which has long enjoyed a surplus of citizens to brutalize.

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