Report: Syria Running Dangerously Low On Civilians To Oppress

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Syria Running Dangerously Low On Civilians To Oppress

DAMASCUS—Noting that without the brutal subjugation of its masses a totalitarian state is effectively meaningless, Syrian officials announced this week that the country is experiencing a severe shortage of civilians to tyrannize. "After a year of continuously putting down popular uprisings with increasingly extreme violence, the regime is now running very low on people to crush beneath its iron fist," said Prime Minister Adel Safar, later adding that the government would need to seriously reevaluate its approach to indiscriminate slaughter, with an eye toward rebuilding a healthy population of oppressible citizens. "Effective immediately, we will focus more on murdering the sick and the old, while placing reasonable limits on the execution of pregnant women in the streets." The Syrian government is also reportedly looking into the possibility of importing roughly 50,000 people from Iran, which has long enjoyed a surplus of citizens to brutalize.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close