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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls

FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and prestige, as long as they "bring some of those hot Texas girls along," Commissioner John Marinatto said Monday. "We are happy to welcome the Horned Frogs to the Big East, as they represent a fine sporting tradition, and also we could really use some new girls around here," Marinatto told the assembled reporters at a press conference. "Boston College had those cute little Catholic girls, but they left when the Eagles went to the ACC, and we could really use some nice Texas-cowgirl trim. Frankly, West Virginia doesn't give it up as much as you'd think, even though they'll do just about anything once you get them liquored up." TCU athletic director Chris Del Conte said he was happy to hook the Big East up, explaining that the conference's automatic BCS bowl bid was more than compensation for Syracuse girls being "totally flat."

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