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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Texting While Driving Okay If You Look Up Every Couple Seconds

WASHINGTON—A new report published Monday by the National Transportation Safety Board advises motorists that sending text messages while driving “is totally fine” and “not that big a deal” as long as you make sure to glance up from your phone every now and then. “If you’re driving and have a really important text to send, that’s okay; just try to keep one eye on the road as best you can,” NTSB chairman Deborah Hersman said of the report, which advocates a new “50-50 rule” for texting drivers, suggesting they keep half their attention on the road and half on their handheld device. “After all, you can always steer with your knees or—if you really want to be extra careful—text with one hand and hold the wheel with the other. Better yet, just ask a passenger to give you a heads-up whenever there’s a red light or another car up ahead.” Hersman added that the report’s findings apply not only to texting, but also to checking email, playing games, or watching movies while driving.

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