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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Report: There Just Something Dark And Intriguing About Man With Serious Personality Disorder

WESTFORD, MA—Admitting that she couldn’t fully describe the enigmatic allure that drew her to him, local woman Laura Saracen told reporters Wednesday there was just something dark and intriguing about 34-year-old Tyler Evans, a man with a serious personality disorder. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but from the very beginning of our date I picked up this kind of brooding and mysterious vibe from Tyler that I was really into,” Saracen said of the man with whom she’d gone out to dinner and whose deeply unstable moods, streaks of narcissism, and almost complete lack of empathy for others would meet the criteria for several mental conditions listed in the DSM-5. “Maybe I just go for the the sort of strong, silent type, or maybe I kind of like the idea that he seems to keep so much of himself hidden. Whatever it is, it’s really attractive, and I can’t wait to spend more time with him and find out who he really is under there.” At press time, Evans’ coolly aloof demeanor throughout the pair’s second date, which stemmed from an acute inability to form emotionally healthy connections with any other human being, was completely turning Saracen on.

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