adBlockCheck

Report: There Only 17 Total Square Miles On Earth Where Gays Not Discriminated Against

Top Headlines

Recent News

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: There Only 17 Total Square Miles On Earth Where Gays Not Discriminated Against

WASHINGTON—A new Pew Research Center report revealed Thursday that on the entirety of planet earth there exist only 17 square miles where gays are not systematically assaulted, slandered, or violently threatened for their sexual orientation. “In terms of locations where homosexuals don’t have to fear for their livelihood and well-being on a daily basis, we found roughly 16 places, including San Francisco’s Castro District, a few blocks in Manhattan’s West Village, a four-mile stretch in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and Berlin’s Nollendorfplatz,” the three-year study read in part, noting that these numbers shrink to as low as 10 square miles when factoring in criteria such as being afforded any shred of civil liberties or essential decencies. “Resultantly, gays can only expect to be treated like human beings—rather than some sort of repulsive subhumans—on roughly .00005% of the world’s landmass. And these are our most generous estimates.” The report went on to confirm that there are currently 196,950,000 square miles on earth where straight individuals are free from sexual prejudice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close