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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Report: There Only 17 Total Square Miles On Earth Where Gays Not Discriminated Against

WASHINGTON—A new Pew Research Center report revealed Thursday that on the entirety of planet earth there exist only 17 square miles where gays are not systematically assaulted, slandered, or violently threatened for their sexual orientation. “In terms of locations where homosexuals don’t have to fear for their livelihood and well-being on a daily basis, we found roughly 16 places, including San Francisco’s Castro District, a few blocks in Manhattan’s West Village, a four-mile stretch in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and Berlin’s Nollendorfplatz,” the three-year study read in part, noting that these numbers shrink to as low as 10 square miles when factoring in criteria such as being afforded any shred of civil liberties or essential decencies. “Resultantly, gays can only expect to be treated like human beings—rather than some sort of repulsive subhumans—on roughly .00005% of the world’s landmass. And these are our most generous estimates.” The report went on to confirm that there are currently 196,950,000 square miles on earth where straight individuals are free from sexual prejudice.

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