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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Report: There Only 17 Total Square Miles On Earth Where Gays Not Discriminated Against

WASHINGTON—A new Pew Research Center report revealed Thursday that on the entirety of planet earth there exist only 17 square miles where gays are not systematically assaulted, slandered, or violently threatened for their sexual orientation. “In terms of locations where homosexuals don’t have to fear for their livelihood and well-being on a daily basis, we found roughly 16 places, including San Francisco’s Castro District, a few blocks in Manhattan’s West Village, a four-mile stretch in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and Berlin’s Nollendorfplatz,” the three-year study read in part, noting that these numbers shrink to as low as 10 square miles when factoring in criteria such as being afforded any shred of civil liberties or essential decencies. “Resultantly, gays can only expect to be treated like human beings—rather than some sort of repulsive subhumans—on roughly .00005% of the world’s landmass. And these are our most generous estimates.” The report went on to confirm that there are currently 196,950,000 square miles on earth where straight individuals are free from sexual prejudice.

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