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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Report: There Probably College Conference Named ‘Coastal 10’

LOS ANGELES—Claiming that the name sounds plausible enough, sources confirmed Friday that there is most likely a collegiate athletic conference called the Coastal 10. “There’s all sorts of conferences, so it seems reasonable to assume The Coastal 10 is made up of a bunch of schools somewhere on the West Coast,” said 26-year-old college sports fan Patrick Solomon, who speculated that the hypothetical conference includes various universities with names like Central Valley Tech, Santa Monica State, and UC North Beach. “I bet it’s a Division I conference, but most of their games aren’t televised, so you’d have to see them on WatchESPN. And they probably get an at-large bid to the tournament every once in a while, too. Yeah, something like that.” Reached for comment, NCAA president Mark Emmert confirmed that all of this sounds about right.

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