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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Report: There Probably College Conference Named ‘Coastal 10’

LOS ANGELES—Claiming that the name sounds plausible enough, sources confirmed Friday that there is most likely a collegiate athletic conference called the Coastal 10. “There’s all sorts of conferences, so it seems reasonable to assume The Coastal 10 is made up of a bunch of schools somewhere on the West Coast,” said 26-year-old college sports fan Patrick Solomon, who speculated that the hypothetical conference includes various universities with names like Central Valley Tech, Santa Monica State, and UC North Beach. “I bet it’s a Division I conference, but most of their games aren’t televised, so you’d have to see them on WatchESPN. And they probably get an at-large bid to the tournament every once in a while, too. Yeah, something like that.” Reached for comment, NCAA president Mark Emmert confirmed that all of this sounds about right.

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