Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Report: There Probably Not The Best Place To Stand

NEW YORK—According to sources who just want to give a quick heads up, right there really isn't the best place to stand. Due to that door opening inward and the likelihood of people coming in and out of there all night, finding somewhere else to stand would reportedly be a good idea. Additionally, that area is already kind of tight without someone standing right there, so finding another place would just make things easier for everyone. As of press time, look buddy, just fucking move.

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