Report: There Probably Not The Best Place To Stand

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Vol 46 Issue 49

Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.

Don Meredith

He was the first Dallas Cowboys quarterback to have a winning season and the first star ex-player on Monday Night Football, but he was still much loved. Was he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Report: There Probably Not The Best Place To Stand

NEW YORK—According to sources who just want to give a quick heads up, right there really isn't the best place to stand. Due to that door opening inward and the likelihood of people coming in and out of there all night, finding somewhere else to stand would reportedly be a good idea. Additionally, that area is already kind of tight without someone standing right there, so finding another place would just make things easier for everyone. As of press time, look buddy, just fucking move.

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