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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Report: There Probably Not The Best Place To Stand

NEW YORK—According to sources who just want to give a quick heads up, right there really isn't the best place to stand. Due to that door opening inward and the likelihood of people coming in and out of there all night, finding somewhere else to stand would reportedly be a good idea. Additionally, that area is already kind of tight without someone standing right there, so finding another place would just make things easier for everyone. As of press time, look buddy, just fucking move.

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