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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Report: Thinking About Way You Look All The Time Burns 5,000 Calories An Hour

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling it a vigorous exercise without equal, a report released Wednesday by Florida State University found that thinking about the way you look all the time burns 5,000 calories per hour. “With slight variations depending on weight, gender, and age, we noted the average person can burn an estimated 5,000 calories every hour that they spend being totally consumed by their physical shortcomings,” said lead researcher Dr. Diane Mendrey, adding that the exact form of self-disgust can range from obsessing over a particularly shameful facial feature to comparing yourself to a specific attractive person whom you’ve been jealous of your entire life. “Even five minutes of fixating on blemishes or stretch marks or the size of your forehead will get your heart pumping enough to burn a couple hundred calories, which means you can do it in the shower, standing in line at the grocery store, or pretty much anywhere. Despite the array of common excuses, there’s honestly really no reason to not dwell on your imperfections.” Mendrey went on to say, however, that generously accepting the flaws that are an inevitable part of the human condition slowed the metabolism to almost dangerous levels.

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