Report: This Just The 30th Wake-Up Call Woman Needed

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Vol 50 Issue 35

Cannibal Corpse Blasting From Papal Apartment Window

I-90 adds a lane for drivers traveling cross country to stop a woman from marrying the wrong man, a job applicant totally nails an interview with the person who will make his life a living hell for the next five years, and adjusting several sliders on a r...

NYPD Requiring Cops To Undergo Twitter Training

The New York Post reported that, following a Twitter outreach campaign that backfired horribly, the NYPD is requiring its officers to attend mandatory classes at a local college on how to use Twitter.
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Report: This Just The 30th Wake-Up Call Woman Needed

LOUISVILLE, KY—According to reports, local woman Janelle Tompkins’ arrival to work an hour late and severely hungover Tuesday morning was precisely the 30th wake-up call she needed to turn her life around. “Wow, my habit of staying out and drinking all night has clearly gotten out of control. I’ve got to make some major changes ASAP,” said Tompkins, using the exact phrasing she uttered during her five previous wake-up calls this year, which have included two shattered relationships and blacking out at a friend’s bridal shower. “I suppose something had to give eventually, and now I’ve gotten the message: It’s time to make a fresh start and think about my future for once.” At press time, Tompkins had invited several close friends to celebrate her new lease on life by meeting at their local bar’s Oktoberfest celebration.

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