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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Report: Today The Day Woman Either Quits Job Or Goes Home And Watches 4 Hours Of Netflix

BOSTON—Citing her growing irritation with the tasks assigned to her and the festering sense of disdain she harbors toward many of her coworkers, a report issued Friday confirmed that today is finally the day that local woman Samantha King either quits her job or goes home and watches four hours of Netflix on her couch. Sources indicated that after receiving yet another error-ridden invoice from a colleague that she immediately recognized she’d have to spend the next several hours correcting, the 34-year-old billing coordinator resolved that the time had come for her to either march directly up to her boss and tell him that she’d had it with this miserable, unfulfilling job, or take the 5:30 p.m train home as usual, get into her pajamas, and watch back-to-back television episodes until she fell asleep. According to reports, the woman spent much of the morning at her desk silently seething about how much of her life she was wasting on mundane, monotonous work that went underappreciated and insufficiently compensated, a lengthy series of aggrieved thoughts that reportedly led her to conclude that—aside from commuting back to her apartment and queuing up the entire fifth season of House Of Cards on her laptop while ordering delivery—she had only one option: packing up her things right then and there and walking straight out of the office never to return. At press time, King had reportedly reached her breaking point and was teetering on the knife edge between screaming at the top of her lungs and quietly imagining what the contestants might be making in her remaining unwatched episodes of The Great British Baking Show.

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