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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches

CHICAGO—Turkey sandwiches, long suspected of being a rich source of turkey sandwiches, were found to contain a substantial amount of turkey sandwich in every bite, the Food and Drug Administration reported Monday. "While traces of turkey sandwich can be found in other foods, such as turkey, bread, mayonnaise, or turkey-and-ham sandwiches, only turkey sandwiches contain 100 percent turkey sandwich," the report read in part. "In addition, eating a turkey sandwich a day is proven to help reduce the risk of not eating turkey sandwiches. This is great news for the 12 million Americans who aren't currently getting enough turkey sandwich." The report noted that turkey sandwiches are no longer considered to be a good source of hot dogs.

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