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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches

CHICAGO—Turkey sandwiches, long suspected of being a rich source of turkey sandwiches, were found to contain a substantial amount of turkey sandwich in every bite, the Food and Drug Administration reported Monday. "While traces of turkey sandwich can be found in other foods, such as turkey, bread, mayonnaise, or turkey-and-ham sandwiches, only turkey sandwiches contain 100 percent turkey sandwich," the report read in part. "In addition, eating a turkey sandwich a day is proven to help reduce the risk of not eating turkey sandwiches. This is great news for the 12 million Americans who aren't currently getting enough turkey sandwich." The report noted that turkey sandwiches are no longer considered to be a good source of hot dogs.

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