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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time

WASHINGTON—A report from the U.S. Department of Transportation confirmed Thursday that at any one time, the average American city bus is occupied by at least four fully erect penises. "This persistent level of physical arousal remains a mystery, as we have found no link between these erections and either the attractiveness of fellow passengers or the intensity of vehicle vibrations," the report read in part, also noting that when one of the four engorged penises goes flaccid, another immediately hardens, as if to take its place. "Four is just a minimum, of course. During rush-hour traffic, there may be as many as 21 stiffened members on a single bus, while off-peak erection counts often hover around five or even six." The report's statistics do not include bus drivers, who are believed to remain constantly erect throughout their shifts.

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