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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time

WASHINGTON—A report from the U.S. Department of Transportation confirmed Thursday that at any one time, the average American city bus is occupied by at least four fully erect penises. "This persistent level of physical arousal remains a mystery, as we have found no link between these erections and either the attractiveness of fellow passengers or the intensity of vehicle vibrations," the report read in part, also noting that when one of the four engorged penises goes flaccid, another immediately hardens, as if to take its place. "Four is just a minimum, of course. During rush-hour traffic, there may be as many as 21 stiffened members on a single bus, while off-peak erection counts often hover around five or even six." The report's statistics do not include bus drivers, who are believed to remain constantly erect throughout their shifts.

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