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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Report: Ugh, No One Would Care Anyway

PRINCETON, NJ—A new report compiled by the Institute for Advanced Studies stated Monday that, aw, you probably wouldn't be interested and who really cares to begin with. "After careful analysis, our research indicates that it's not like any of it would matter to you people anyhow," said Dr. David M. Klein, one of the principal authors of the report that was pretty much just a big old waste of everyone's time. When pressed by reporters for at least a hint of the Institute's findings, Klein stated, "Well, it involves bosons, which, as it turns out, interact with—see, none of you are even listening anymore."

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FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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