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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Report: Ugh, No One Would Care Anyway

PRINCETON, NJ—A new report compiled by the Institute for Advanced Studies stated Monday that, aw, you probably wouldn't be interested and who really cares to begin with. "After careful analysis, our research indicates that it's not like any of it would matter to you people anyhow," said Dr. David M. Klein, one of the principal authors of the report that was pretty much just a big old waste of everyone's time. When pressed by reporters for at least a hint of the Institute's findings, Klein stated, "Well, it involves bosons, which, as it turns out, interact with—see, none of you are even listening anymore."

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