adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: U.S. Consumers Spend $900 Billion Each Year After Saying ‘Gimme One Of Those, Too’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a report published this week in the Quarterly Journal Of Economics, American consumers spend nearly a trillion dollars each year after uttering the phrase “Gimme one of those, too.” “Even in recession conditions, we found that U.S. consumers spend about $900 billion annually when they reach the cash register with their purchases, quickly assess the available display racks, and then say, ‘Ooh, and one of these, too,’” said John Y. Campbell, a Harvard University economics professor and the lead author of the study, who noted that the average American household spends over $7,200 per year after seeing or smelling something enticing during checkout and saying, “What the hell—throw in one of them, too.” “An additional $120 billion is spent after Americans say, ‘Know what? Make it two of those,’ and $200 billion after saying, ‘Ooh, that sounds good—I’ll have the same.’” Campbell added that a recent analysis of the nation’s 2015 GDP revealed that $2 trillion —roughly one-tenth of the entire U.S. economy—is dependent on Americans deciding at the last minute to add extra cheese.


More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close