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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Report: U.S. Consumers Spend $900 Billion Each Year After Saying ‘Gimme One Of Those, Too’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a report published this week in the Quarterly Journal Of Economics, American consumers spend nearly a trillion dollars each year after uttering the phrase “Gimme one of those, too.” “Even in recession conditions, we found that U.S. consumers spend about $900 billion annually when they reach the cash register with their purchases, quickly assess the available display racks, and then say, ‘Ooh, and one of these, too,’” said John Y. Campbell, a Harvard University economics professor and the lead author of the study, who noted that the average American household spends over $7,200 per year after seeing or smelling something enticing during checkout and saying, “What the hell—throw in one of them, too.” “An additional $120 billion is spent after Americans say, ‘Know what? Make it two of those,’ and $200 billion after saying, ‘Ooh, that sounds good—I’ll have the same.’” Campbell added that a recent analysis of the nation’s 2015 GDP revealed that $2 trillion —roughly one-tenth of the entire U.S. economy—is dependent on Americans deciding at the last minute to add extra cheese.


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