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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Report: U.S. Consumers Spend $900 Billion Each Year After Saying ‘Gimme One Of Those, Too’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a report published this week in the Quarterly Journal Of Economics, American consumers spend nearly a trillion dollars each year after uttering the phrase “Gimme one of those, too.” “Even in recession conditions, we found that U.S. consumers spend about $900 billion annually when they reach the cash register with their purchases, quickly assess the available display racks, and then say, ‘Ooh, and one of these, too,’” said John Y. Campbell, a Harvard University economics professor and the lead author of the study, who noted that the average American household spends over $7,200 per year after seeing or smelling something enticing during checkout and saying, “What the hell—throw in one of them, too.” “An additional $120 billion is spent after Americans say, ‘Know what? Make it two of those,’ and $200 billion after saying, ‘Ooh, that sounds good—I’ll have the same.’” Campbell added that a recent analysis of the nation’s 2015 GDP revealed that $2 trillion —roughly one-tenth of the entire U.S. economy—is dependent on Americans deciding at the last minute to add extra cheese.


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