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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Report: U.S. Exported 6 Billion Tons Of Crude Web Content Last Year

WASHINGTON—New data released by the Foreign Trade Division of the U.S. Census Bureau has found that the United States exported over 6 billion tons of crude web content last year, outpacing all other developed nations as the world’s largest producer of unrefined digital information. “What we’re seeing is a 15 to 20 percent yearly increase in crude web content production, which is the largest rise in annual output since the United States first started exporting unfiltered web content in the early 1990s,” the report read, noting a continued increase in raw U.S. web content and crude materials such as listicles, memes, YouTube videos made by 15-year-olds, GIFs of animals defecating, author Tucker Max’s personal website, girl-on-girl pornographic thumbnails, theCHIVE.com articles, and over 80 percent of all Facebook status updates. “Fortunately, new technology has made it cheaper and easier than ever to pump out billions of tons of crude web forum commentary, tweets, and other internet content per year, though with domestic consumption of such content rising, U.S.-based producers will have to increase output further if they want to meet the demand for new celebrity beach body slideshows and UFC fan pages.” The report added that though the United States is nearly 90 percent independent in crude web content production, it still imports millions and millions of tons of garbage from Japan each year.

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