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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Report: U.S. Exported 6 Billion Tons Of Crude Web Content Last Year

WASHINGTON—New data released by the Foreign Trade Division of the U.S. Census Bureau has found that the United States exported over 6 billion tons of crude web content last year, outpacing all other developed nations as the world’s largest producer of unrefined digital information. “What we’re seeing is a 15 to 20 percent yearly increase in crude web content production, which is the largest rise in annual output since the United States first started exporting unfiltered web content in the early 1990s,” the report read, noting a continued increase in raw U.S. web content and crude materials such as listicles, memes, YouTube videos made by 15-year-olds, GIFs of animals defecating, author Tucker Max’s personal website, girl-on-girl pornographic thumbnails, theCHIVE.com articles, and over 80 percent of all Facebook status updates. “Fortunately, new technology has made it cheaper and easier than ever to pump out billions of tons of crude web forum commentary, tweets, and other internet content per year, though with domestic consumption of such content rising, U.S.-based producers will have to increase output further if they want to meet the demand for new celebrity beach body slideshows and UFC fan pages.” The report added that though the United States is nearly 90 percent independent in crude web content production, it still imports millions and millions of tons of garbage from Japan each year.

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