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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Report: U.S. Exported 6 Billion Tons Of Crude Web Content Last Year

WASHINGTON—New data released by the Foreign Trade Division of the U.S. Census Bureau has found that the United States exported over 6 billion tons of crude web content last year, outpacing all other developed nations as the world’s largest producer of unrefined digital information. “What we’re seeing is a 15 to 20 percent yearly increase in crude web content production, which is the largest rise in annual output since the United States first started exporting unfiltered web content in the early 1990s,” the report read, noting a continued increase in raw U.S. web content and crude materials such as listicles, memes, YouTube videos made by 15-year-olds, GIFs of animals defecating, author Tucker Max’s personal website, girl-on-girl pornographic thumbnails, theCHIVE.com articles, and over 80 percent of all Facebook status updates. “Fortunately, new technology has made it cheaper and easier than ever to pump out billions of tons of crude web forum commentary, tweets, and other internet content per year, though with domestic consumption of such content rising, U.S.-based producers will have to increase output further if they want to meet the demand for new celebrity beach body slideshows and UFC fan pages.” The report added that though the United States is nearly 90 percent independent in crude web content production, it still imports millions and millions of tons of garbage from Japan each year.

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