Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad

In This Section

Vol 41 Issue 17

Bartender Hurt By Unfinished Drink

DENVER—Eddie Meagher, a bartender at Madhatter's Pub, reported that he was "deeply hurt" by an unfinished Long Island Ice Tea left behind by one of his patrons Monday. "I made that drink especially for him," said a visibly disappointed Meagher. "Why would he leave almost a third of it sitting there? If something was wrong with it, he should've told me so. Then I could fix it." According to coworkers, Meagher hasn't been this upset since a patron thoughtlessly vomited four meticulously crafted Cosmos onto the street in front of the bar last Thursday.

Uneventful Past Finally Catches Up To Boring Man

MILTONVALE, KS—Years of safe living finally caught up to 33-year-old accountant Brian Jorgens Sunday during a visit from old friends. "I thought I'd put my sedate college days behind me forever," said Jorgens, standing in front of the Applebee's where he'd just spent three hours with his former college roommates. "But after listening to Ken and Louis reminisce about our summer-long cribbage tournament and the time we took a chartered tour bus to the Badlands—well, I realized that I can run from my boring past, but I can never truly hide." Jorgens vowed to turn his life around by deserting his wife and stealing a car.

Teen Reports Saturday Night Live Has Sucked Since Chris Kattan Left

AUGUSTA, GA—Once an avid fan of Saturday Night Live, Tom Simms, 16, said Monday that the live sketch-comedy institution began a downhill slide after Chris Kattan exited the show in 2003. "They don't do funny stuff like Mango or the Roxbury guys anymore," said Simms, who, from 1998 to 2004, watched SNL whenever he had a babysitter or could sneak downstairs after his parents fell asleep. "After Kattan left, the show stopped taking chances." Simms' older brother Joel and his uncle Kurt agreed that SNL's quality has declined, but linked the show's suck-points to the departure of Jim Breuer and Joe Piscopo, respectively.

National Poetry Month Raises Awareness Of Poetry Prevention

NEW YORK—This month marks the 10th National Poetry Month, a campaign created in 1996 to raise public awareness of the growing problem of poetry. "We must stop this scourge before more lives are exposed to poetry," said Dr. John Nieman of the American Poetry Prevention Society at a Monday fundraising luncheon. "It doesn't just affect women. Young people, particularly morose high-school and college students, are very susceptible to this terrible affliction. It is imperative that we eradicate poetry now, before more rainy afternoons are lost to it." Nieman said some early signs of poetry infection include increased self-absorption and tea consumption.

The New Food Pyramid

Last week, the federal government released a new food pyramid, but many citizens say the nutrition guidelines are too complicated. What do you think?

A Motivation Seminizar

Tha Nite Rida cruised like a muhfukkin' barracuda into tha Midstate parkin' lot an' wit' typical mad stealth executed a perfect 90-degree turn into her designated spot. "It Monday, bitchez," I said as I flew outta my hoopty an' hustled 2 tha employee entrance. "Aw yeah, y'all know how we do it. Bitchez best fo-get that punk-ass, no-workin' weekend shit an' be down wit' tha hardcore officin', or y'all gonna have tha H-Dog up in yo' shit. Word dat."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad

AMSTERDAM—American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting laid.

"I've been in Amsterdam for two months and have yet to begin a conversation with a cute girl that hasn't ended in a lecture about how big, evil America is taking everyone's oil," said college sophomore Brad Higgs, a participant in Johns Hopkins University's study-abroad program. "I offer to buy them a drink, and they tell me I shouldn't just stand by and watch Bush destroy the world. Look, if I had that type of pull with the president, I obviously wouldn't be out trolling for anonymous Dutch pussy."

The report, released Monday by the Center For U.S.-International Casual Relations, was based on interviews with approximately 1,400 American students returning from abroad. According to study director Gilbert Hapbrook, sexual contact between American students and foreigners has declined steadily since January 2001.

"Unpopular military actions and dismissal of international organizations have galvanized world hostility toward the U.S.," Hapbrook said. "Instead of being inundated with questions about Hollywood and requests to help hot young foreigners practice their English, Americans are being openly scorned in European pubs and cafes. Data taken from a poll of students in December 2004 showed that only a dismal 11 percent had achieved sexual congress with a non-American."

Hapbrook said the 2004 overseas-coitus figures show a slight recovery from the all-time low reached in November 2002, after the Afghanistan invasion and during escalating conflict with Iraq. But the figures are still well below those of 1999, when Bill Clinton was in office and a very healthy 67 percent of respondents scored abroad.

"I'm in Amsterdam—Amsterdam, for Christ's sake—and I'm in the middle of the longest dry spell I can remember," Higgs said. "Last week, I was making out with this Italian girl at a concert. It was all going great until the music ended and she heard my American accent. I swear to God, I went from the cusp of a hand job to, 'Why won't your country sign the Kyoto Treaty?'"

University of Colorado junior Casey Knight recently arrived in Amsterdam after a month in Germany.

"I asked a group of German girls at some Eurotrash disco to dance and they started yelling at me," Knight said. "They said that by paying taxes to the American government, I am no better than a fascist. Well, they would know, I guess."

A recent anti-American protest in Paris.

Even students who actively oppose President Bush are susceptible to criticism, according to Emily Biehn, a Duke University student spending her spring semester in Paris.

"I voted for Kerry and I marched against the Iraq war," Biehn said. "But when I got to Europe, I might as well have been wearing a Bush bumper sticker on my forehead and star-spangled cowboy boots. As soon as the French guys hear I am from the U.S., all they want to do is argue politics."

"And switching tactics and acting like you're totally apathetic about politics just pisses them off even more," Biehn added.

Acknowledging that a large-scale change in American foreign policy is unlikely to occur before the end of the current semester, Hapbrook recommended three tactics for American students frustrated in their attempts to bed foreigners.

"First, pretend you're Canadian whenever you can," Hapbrook said. "But make sure you're not around actual Canadians, because they'll know you're lying and cock-block you. Second, if there are any anti-American protests going on, take care to avoid women carrying signs. Third, focus your itinerary on countries like Ireland and Japan that are still relatively friendly to Americans."

"You may want to write off France altogether," Hapbrook added.

Hapbrook said he developed his tactics in 1983, when the American government was practicing hardline Cold War foreign policy and he was spending his junior year abroad.

Higgs, who spends most of his time in his hostel playing solitaire and watching DVDs on his laptop computer, urged students back home to write to their congressional representatives.

"This affects all of us," Higgs said. "The government has to acknowledge the needs of young Americans. Too many U.S. citizens in foreign lands are spending sleepless, lonely nights jerking off in increasingly filthy sleeping bags. It sucks."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More