Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Report: Uttering Phrase ‘Easy Does It’ Prevents 78% Of Drywall Damage While Moving Furniture

BOSTON—Saying there might be no better way to minimize the number of costly gouges and holes, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Boston College found that saying “easy does it” prevents 78 percent of drywall damage while moving furniture. “Whether you’re sliding over a bureau or turning a couch around, our findings clearly indicate that muttering, ‘Whoa, there, easy does it,’ will decrease the likelihood of drywall sustaining damage by almost 80 percent,” said the report’s lead author Molly Nesbit, adding that other utterances such as “watch it, watch it” and “careful now” offered a statistically equivalent measure of protection. “In addition, the data strongly suggests that asking ‘You got it?’ and immediately following that up with ‘You sure you got it?’ not only negates the risk to drywall almost entirely but also radically decreases the likelihood of a doorframe being chipped or a lamp being knocked off a nightstand.” Nesbit went on to say that in instances where a table leg did plunge straight through the drywall, yelling, “I fucking told you to turn it sideways!” would lower the cost of repair by nearly half.

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