Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Report: Uttering Phrase ‘Easy Does It’ Prevents 78% Of Drywall Damage While Moving Furniture

BOSTON—Saying there might be no better way to minimize the number of costly gouges and holes, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Boston College found that saying “easy does it” prevents 78 percent of drywall damage while moving furniture. “Whether you’re sliding over a bureau or turning a couch around, our findings clearly indicate that muttering, ‘Whoa, there, easy does it,’ will decrease the likelihood of drywall sustaining damage by almost 80 percent,” said the report’s lead author Molly Nesbit, adding that other utterances such as “watch it, watch it” and “careful now” offered a statistically equivalent measure of protection. “In addition, the data strongly suggests that asking ‘You got it?’ and immediately following that up with ‘You sure you got it?’ not only negates the risk to drywall almost entirely but also radically decreases the likelihood of a doorframe being chipped or a lamp being knocked off a nightstand.” Nesbit went on to say that in instances where a table leg did plunge straight through the drywall, yelling, “I fucking told you to turn it sideways!” would lower the cost of repair by nearly half.

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