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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Report: Uttering Phrase ‘Easy Does It’ Prevents 78% Of Drywall Damage While Moving Furniture

BOSTON—Saying there might be no better way to minimize the number of costly gouges and holes, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Boston College found that saying “easy does it” prevents 78 percent of drywall damage while moving furniture. “Whether you’re sliding over a bureau or turning a couch around, our findings clearly indicate that muttering, ‘Whoa, there, easy does it,’ will decrease the likelihood of drywall sustaining damage by almost 80 percent,” said the report’s lead author Molly Nesbit, adding that other utterances such as “watch it, watch it” and “careful now” offered a statistically equivalent measure of protection. “In addition, the data strongly suggests that asking ‘You got it?’ and immediately following that up with ‘You sure you got it?’ not only negates the risk to drywall almost entirely but also radically decreases the likelihood of a doorframe being chipped or a lamp being knocked off a nightstand.” Nesbit went on to say that in instances where a table leg did plunge straight through the drywall, yelling, “I fucking told you to turn it sideways!” would lower the cost of repair by nearly half.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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