Report: Vince Young May Not Be Smart Enough To Play In NFL

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

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Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

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Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.

Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

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Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

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Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Report: Vince Young May Not Be Smart Enough To Play In NFL

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—After scoring a reported 6 on his first attempt at the Wonderlic intelligence test at last week's NFL combine, draft specialists have called into question whether University of Texas quarterback Vince Young possesses the intellectual vigor to be a successful quarterback in the NFL.

The Wonderlic, a 12-minute, 50-question exam that evaluates a player's ability to learn on the job and solve complex problems, has become the centerpiece of the NFL scouting combine's player-evaluation process, especially at the quarterback position. Many teams, such as the New York Jets and San Francisco 49ers, all but ignore arm strength, field vision, attitude, and leadership ability, electing to use a player's Wonderlic score as the sole basis for choosing a quarterback on Draft Day.

"We originally thought quite highly of Young, who ran a seemingly complicated offense at Texas," said Houston Texans general manager Charley Casserly. "He had all the tools needed to score well on a standardized test in this league. Vince's completion percentage got higher every year, he was good at picking up the blitzes, and his ability to organize an audible at the line of scrimmage was unequaled in college ball. But his inability to answer story problems, diagram sentences, and solve simple geometric equations makes us wonder if he's really as smart on the field as he's been playing."

Texans scouts observing the Wonderlic test said Young obviously struggled throughout, often fixating on his primary answer, "A," and never checking down to the other options on any given question unless pressured, when he would almost always throw it up to "all of the above." Moreover, Young's awkward mechanics during the exam drew criticism from onlookers, as he instinctually reverted to a sidearm-style delivery that often resulted in the incomplete filling-in of circles.

The Tennessee Titans, who have the third pick in the draft, had also been interested in drafting Young. Offensive coordinator Norm Chow, however, has confirmed that the interest has diminished in the wake of Young's low Wonderlic score.

"We have to consider Young based on the numbers he's put up," Chow said. "If Young's 6-for-50 completion rate on this series of assorted multiple-choice questions tells us that he's not a superior athlete, who are we to argue?"

Houston, the team with the No. 1 pick in this year's draft, had been considering replacing quarterback David Carr with popular hometown hero Young. However, for all his problems on the field, Carr scored a 24 on his Wonderlic before being taken first overall in the 2002 draft.

"Let's face it—trading an untested 6 for a known 24 is a recipe for disaster," Casserly said. "If Vince Young can't tell us how many 29-cent loaves of bread can be purchased with the $3.49 in his pocket, how can we expect him to understand the two-minute drill—let alone his own quarterback rating?"

Texans owner Bob McNair was even more emphatic.

"Vince is definitely the sexy choice here," said McNair, who is reluctant to draft another "Wonderlic bust" such as 14-point-scoring washout Dan Marino. "He's a Houston native, he can make all the throws, has a great ability to see down the field, and there's no denying he brought the NCAA championship back to the great state of Texas. But at this club, we have high intellectual standards. We believe that the fans in Houston deserve someone who can at least match his jersey number on a problem-solving test."

The Texans are not the only team shying away from the athletic, battle-tested Young following his unusually low score on the timed, multiple-choice test. Scouts and coaches from around the league could not say for certain how far Young's stock might yet plummet.

"We expected [Young] to score somewhere in the neighborhood of Vinny Testaverde, Ben Roethlisberger, or Brett Favre—instead, he tested more like a Randall Cunningham, Donovan McNabb, or Michael Vick," said a source within the Atlanta Falcons organization, who asked not to be identified. "At this juncture, we are uncomfortable saying this poor-testing quarterback can take us to the next level."

According to Casserly, many quarterbacks have struggled to adjust to the complicated offenses in the National Football League. He referred to the struggles of Chad Pennington, a Rhodes Scholar finalist at Marshall University who has underperformed in his six years in the NFL.

"The Jets couldn't get an actual Rhodes Scholar, and now they're paying the price for settling for a mere finalist," Casserly said. "We're glad that we can still avoid making that same mistake."