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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Report: Vulgaria May Possess Flying-Car Technology

WASHINGTON, DC—State Department officials are "deeply concerned" by a just-released report that Vulgarian despot Baron Bomburst has acquired Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the fantastical flying car created by zany, limber inventor Caractacus Potts. "Vulgaria is already a leader in the fields of child abduction and wife-beating," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said. "If they can reverse-engineer the Potts device and discover the tactically crucial, splendiferous technology of airborne, turn-of-the-century Grand Prix racers, the global balance of power could potentially be altered forever."

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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