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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Vulgaria May Possess Flying-Car Technology

WASHINGTON, DC—State Department officials are "deeply concerned" by a just-released report that Vulgarian despot Baron Bomburst has acquired Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the fantastical flying car created by zany, limber inventor Caractacus Potts. "Vulgaria is already a leader in the fields of child abduction and wife-beating," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said. "If they can reverse-engineer the Potts device and discover the tactically crucial, splendiferous technology of airborne, turn-of-the-century Grand Prix racers, the global balance of power could potentially be altered forever."

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