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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: Waving Objects Behind Basket Has Only Resulted In 3 Missed Free Throws In NBA History

DURHAM, NC—A new study published on fan behavior this week revealed that the common practice of waving objects behind the basket to distract free throw shooters has succeeded only three times in the NBA’s 67-year history. “It doesn’t matter if the objects are inflatable plastic noodles, signs that say ‘Miss It,’ or cardboard cutouts of players—waving them around almost never has any effect on the free throw shooter whatsoever,” said the study’s lead author Andrew Townsend, noting that the only three times the strategy worked were St. Louis Hawks point guard Jack McMahon’s second missed free throw against the Celtics on March 2, 1957; Philadelphia 76ers center Darryl Dawkins’ first missed free throw in Game 2 of the 1980 Eastern Conference Finals; and Detroit Pistons forward Tayshaun Prince’s fourth failed attempt against the Chicago Bulls on January 6, 2007. “These are professional athletes we’re talking about. They know how to deal with this stuff. They’re not going to miss just because you’re frantically shaking something.” The study did confirm, however, that shouting “brick” just before a free throw causes players’ accuracy to drop by 20 to 30 percentage points.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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