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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: What College Recruiter Currently Doing To Be Subject Of Huge NCAA Investigation In 5 Years

JUPITER, FL—Sources confirmed Friday that what college recruiter Jeff Watters is currently doing will be the subject of a massive NCAA investigation in five years. “What’s happening right now with that top recruit will likely be the focal point of a seven-part exposé in Sports Illustrated and several days’ worth of intense SportsCenter coverage in the near future,” said one anonymous source, only specifying that the impermissible dealings include promises of “temporary gifts” for the player and the realization that his high school coach would be a perfect candidate for the university’s newly vacant Director of Player Personnel position. “The envelope he just handed that high school senior will be the smoking gun at the end of a long trail of subpoenaed bank statements and one-on-one interviews with other recruits and players. All of this will be denied by everyone involved and NCAA personnel will spend months, possibly years, sorting through the details.” The unnamed source added that the entire investigation and sentencing will take place after both the star player and Watters have left the college’s football program.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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