adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: What College Recruiter Currently Doing To Be Subject Of Huge NCAA Investigation In 5 Years

JUPITER, FL—Sources confirmed Friday that what college recruiter Jeff Watters is currently doing will be the subject of a massive NCAA investigation in five years. “What’s happening right now with that top recruit will likely be the focal point of a seven-part exposé in Sports Illustrated and several days’ worth of intense SportsCenter coverage in the near future,” said one anonymous source, only specifying that the impermissible dealings include promises of “temporary gifts” for the player and the realization that his high school coach would be a perfect candidate for the university’s newly vacant Director of Player Personnel position. “The envelope he just handed that high school senior will be the smoking gun at the end of a long trail of subpoenaed bank statements and one-on-one interviews with other recruits and players. All of this will be denied by everyone involved and NCAA personnel will spend months, possibly years, sorting through the details.” The unnamed source added that the entire investigation and sentencing will take place after both the star player and Watters have left the college’s football program.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close