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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Report: What College Recruiter Currently Doing To Be Subject Of Huge NCAA Investigation In 5 Years

JUPITER, FL—Sources confirmed Friday that what college recruiter Jeff Watters is currently doing will be the subject of a massive NCAA investigation in five years. “What’s happening right now with that top recruit will likely be the focal point of a seven-part exposé in Sports Illustrated and several days’ worth of intense SportsCenter coverage in the near future,” said one anonymous source, only specifying that the impermissible dealings include promises of “temporary gifts” for the player and the realization that his high school coach would be a perfect candidate for the university’s newly vacant Director of Player Personnel position. “The envelope he just handed that high school senior will be the smoking gun at the end of a long trail of subpoenaed bank statements and one-on-one interviews with other recruits and players. All of this will be denied by everyone involved and NCAA personnel will spend months, possibly years, sorting through the details.” The unnamed source added that the entire investigation and sentencing will take place after both the star player and Watters have left the college’s football program.

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