adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: World Now Down To 5 Stories That Are Inspirational

Researchers say the vast majority of inspirational stories end up exactly like this.
Researchers say the vast majority of inspirational stories end up exactly like this.

JOHANNESBURG—In the wake of reports that double amputee Paralympic champion Oscar Pistorius, 26, had been charged with the murder of his girlfriend Thursday, a report filed today by the Pew Research Center stated that the world is now down to just five stories that are in any way inspirational.

According to the report, the list of touching stories about personal achievement in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, or any examples of the essential goodness of human nature, have been steadily dwindling in recent years, with news of the disabled South African sprinter being involved in a fatal shooting further truncating the list to a record-low five.

“Our analysis has conclusively proved that, given the stark evidence currently being leveled against Mr. Pistorius, humanity now only has a small handful of examples to which they can turn to lift them up in times of uncertainty and doubt, or to reaffirm their faith in the decency of mankind,” said lead researcher Katherine Werely, who was able to list only a few such examples still in existence, including that of an 8-year-old who triumphed over cancer. “While we could once list literally thousands of inspiring accounts of people overcoming adversity or neighbors helping one another in times of need, our researchers are currently hard-pressed to find any more than a few such stories—five, to be exact—that haven’t at some point been tainted by fraud, avarice, or murder.”

“And, honestly, even those were pretty borderline,” Werely added.

Citing examples such as such as Lance Armstrong, Manti Te’o, and the dog rescue worker who later withdrew to rehab with a crippling drug and alcohol addiction, the Pew Center’s exhaustive report showed a steady decline over the past 15 years in any heartwarming tales of perseverance that were not, later on, utterly ruined by the sad, abhorrent or even illegal behavior of those involved.

In a related finding, experts conclusively proved that the number of once inspirational stories that have gradually ended in shock, revulsion, or disappointment for the population at large has significantly increased since 1988, and now number in the hundreds of thousands.

“At this point, we think people should just feel grateful that there are any stories at all like the one of the small child who regularly helps his blind classmate or the family that teaches their children the impact of volunteering at a local soup kitchen,” Werely said, listing two of the five inspirational stories left in the entire world. “While we can certainly see why the news of a once prominent community leader and donator being arrested for an embezzlement could be disheartening, it is important that people everywhere take notice of the few left that are yet to be corrupted.”

“The good news is that one of these stories is actually from over 200 years ago,” Werely added. “So, I think we can say that one is pretty set in stone.”

At press time, Pew Center sources reported the list of inspirational stories worldwide was reduced to four after it was revealed a father of three currently battling cancer has been involved in a prolonged affair with a coworker’s 17-year-old daughter.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close