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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Report: World's Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware

NEW YORK—According to a report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution, the lone non-telepathic individual living in the world today is still completely unaware that every other human being has the ability to mentally receive and channel thoughts.

Researchers said their findings conclusively proved that the individual is currently relying on sensory perception to obtain information and is completely oblivious to the fact that family members, friends, and strangers around the world are psychically communicating at each and every moment and have been doing so since 1998.

“Even though it’s been nearly 15 years since every other human on earth mysteriously gained the power of telepathy, it appears the subject is still absolutely clueless to this fact and is apparently no closer to acquiring extrasensory powers,” said the report’s lead author, Rafael Brody, transmitting his statement to the press entirely through the routine process of thought projection comprehended by every human in the world except one. “Furthermore, this person is still forced to rely on primitive practices like talking, typing, and reading to communicate, all while everyone else remains connected through a vast network of telepathic channels.”

“In fact, at this very moment, the non-telepath is being mocked, via psychic messages, by everyone else on the planet,” Brody continued. “All while this person remains completely and utterly oblivious.”

The study, which consists of in-depth analysis from researchers and the hundreds of people who read the non-telepath’s mind on a daily basis, concluded that the individual apparently lacks the minimal mental capacity to receive even the most basic psychic transmissions, even those that are understood by the average four-month-old child.

Further evidence showed that the individual’s mind is too distracted by the simple concerns of a non-telepathic life to comprehend such complex ideas as electroreception and thought manifestation.

“According to our research, the subject devotes nearly 100 percent of their time and brain activity to duties and aspirations that have all been rendered meaningless by the advent of telepathy,” said Brody, adding that the individual is, at this very moment, probably attempting to grasp the full reality of what is being revealed to them in this text. “Essentially, the non-telepath is completely isolated from the vast majority of current events that affect all of humanity, whether it’s the ongoing psychic debate about consciousness transferal in the American workplace or the daily telepathic messages sent out from Paul Dayton of Akron, OH, the newly elected leader of the realm of mental consciousness.”

Sources close to the non-telepath agreed with the study’s results and expressed their own frustrations with attempting to reach their non-telepathic associate.

“You know, we’ve tried for years to channel the most simplistic thoughts to the non-telepath, but the fact is, nothing went through,” said a source claiming to be very close to the individual. “No matter how many times we tried, the big dope just sat there with the same stupid look and no clue of anything we were trying to project.”

“Who knows what would happen if the non-telepath ever found out about the five-year plan,” the source continued. “That’s honestly too sad to think about, really.”

Based on the evidence gathered, experts can only surmise that the solitary non-telepathic individual will likely live the remainder of life unaware of the powers of telepathy and clueless of the ongoing psychic conversations that are ever present in the world.

Sources further revealed that only by reading this article, the first known written documentation of telepathy since the phenomenon first occurred, could the non-telepath ever gain even a crude understanding of any aspect of the psychic world.

Taking into consideration that roughly 7 billion members of the world’s population received the entirety of this article earlier today as it was broadcast from the mind of this Onion reporter while writing and editing this piece, sources acknowledged that only one without the capacity to communicate telepathically would benefit at all from the remaining 57 words of this piece.

Reports confirmed, however, as the earth’s populace is already aware, that should the non-telepath learn the truth about psychic proceedings, The Correctors—those tasked with policing the vast network of telepathic thought—will mentally manipulate the individual to return to the original state of obliviousness, as they have seven times in the past.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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