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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Report: You To Learn Names Of 3 Reprehensible Public Officials This Week

WASHINGTON—Saying that you will have no choice but to discover them one by one as news unfolds, a report released Tuesday concluded that you will learn the names of three separate reprehensible public officials this week. “Before the week is up, the identity of three public officials whom you previously didn’t know existed will be revealed to you based solely on their utterly disgraceful conduct,” read the report in part, adding that even a casual scan of the week’s headlines will be sufficient to introduce the names of these three loathsome individuals into your vocabulary. “While the names you’ll learn this week might belong to individuals who serve the government in different capacities, all will be equally despicable. You might become acquainted with them from their separate betrayals of public trust or from their contributions to a single larger outrage—either way, there is no avoiding these terrible people.” The report also warned that although you will learn the names of three additional reprehensible public officials next week, that will in no way help you forget those you learned this week.

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