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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Report: You’re Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by The American Economic Journal, you’re supposed to tip supermarket cashiers, you selfish goddamn son of a bitch. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” the report read in part, going on to say that these people need that money to survive and questioning whether you’ve ever even bothered to consider what their lives must be like. “They get paid like two bucks an hour, asshole—what’s so hard about slipping the cashier a couple bucks when you hand them your credit card? You tip your barber and your food delivery guys, right? So why the fuck is helping out the person at the checkout line such a big deal? Man, you really are a piece of shit.” The report concluded by recommending that you take a moment to imagine being a cashier and dealing with ungrateful pricks like you all day long.

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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

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