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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Report: You’re Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by The American Economic Journal, you’re supposed to tip supermarket cashiers, you selfish goddamn son of a bitch. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” the report read in part, going on to say that these people need that money to survive and questioning whether you’ve ever even bothered to consider what their lives must be like. “They get paid like two bucks an hour, asshole—what’s so hard about slipping the cashier a couple bucks when you hand them your credit card? You tip your barber and your food delivery guys, right? So why the fuck is helping out the person at the checkout line such a big deal? Man, you really are a piece of shit.” The report concluded by recommending that you take a moment to imagine being a cashier and dealing with ungrateful pricks like you all day long.

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