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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Report: You’re Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by The American Economic Journal, you’re supposed to tip supermarket cashiers, you selfish goddamn son of a bitch. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” the report read in part, going on to say that these people need that money to survive and questioning whether you’ve ever even bothered to consider what their lives must be like. “They get paid like two bucks an hour, asshole—what’s so hard about slipping the cashier a couple bucks when you hand them your credit card? You tip your barber and your food delivery guys, right? So why the fuck is helping out the person at the checkout line such a big deal? Man, you really are a piece of shit.” The report concluded by recommending that you take a moment to imagine being a cashier and dealing with ungrateful pricks like you all day long.

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