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Reporter For High School Newspaper Most Professional Journalist In Nation

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Reporter For High School Newspaper Most Professional Journalist In Nation

YAKIMA, WA—According to sources, sophomore Melanie Finkelstein, a reporter for Yakima High School's Eagle Eye student newspaper, is, as of Tuesday, the most competent and professional journalist in the nation. "I just want everyone on campus to know what's going on," said the student, who when reporting on various Yakima High events and activities attributes all details and assertions, runs quotes by sources before publishing them, and avoids sensationalism. "I triple-check my facts and then take out anything that looks like an opinion from me—just basic journalism stuff, really." Finklestern, 15, who with her short, cropped hair and tomboyish clothing is probably a lesbian, said that while she enjoyed writing for the student paper, she doubted she was good enough to ever do it for a living.

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