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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Report:  Kenny Mayne Incapable Of Carrying On A Normal Conversation

BRISTOL, CT—ESPN sources are confirming that longtime SportsCenter on-air personality Kenny Mayne is, as long suspected, completely incapable of speaking to his peers like a normal human being. "The way he acts while he's on camera? Well, he's exactly the same off it," Mayne's co-anchor John Buccigross said after another failed social interaction with Mayne. "Just now I asked him how he was doing, and he said 'Even with derogatory credit I could still get a loan for a new car, so I can't complain, although some say that's my job. In any case, I continue to be amused by the simplicity of this profession.' And he said it all in that monotone voice of his, too. I really feel sorry for the poor guy, but come on, he has to realize why it is he's so lonely." When asked for a response to the findings, Mayne found himself unable to comment in a meaningful fashion.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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