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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good. According to persons with knowledge of the situation, an unnamed friend of Paxson’s coworker Wendy Mathers watched the movie on opening weekend and found it to be “decent enough.” News of this development is believed to have then led Mathers herself to see the film the following week. Though she was overheard describing its screenplay as “kind of forgettable,” Mathers is said to have concluded that Daniel Craig’s performance redeemed the movie overall, and according to witnesses, she voiced this opinion during a work meeting at which Paxon was present. Within a few days, a second coworker had reportedly seen the film and told Paxson it was “not the worst way [he] could spend a night out.” Sources said the accumulation of these mostly positive reports led Paxson to decide the movie was probably good and to consider checking it out himself sometime this week. At press time, reports indicated Paxson was perusing theater listings and confused as to whether the new James Bond movie was titled Killing Them Softly, Deadfall, Skyfall, or Silent Night.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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