adBlockCheck

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good. According to persons with knowledge of the situation, an unnamed friend of Paxson’s coworker Wendy Mathers watched the movie on opening weekend and found it to be “decent enough.” News of this development is believed to have then led Mathers herself to see the film the following week. Though she was overheard describing its screenplay as “kind of forgettable,” Mathers is said to have concluded that Daniel Craig’s performance redeemed the movie overall, and according to witnesses, she voiced this opinion during a work meeting at which Paxon was present. Within a few days, a second coworker had reportedly seen the film and told Paxson it was “not the worst way [he] could spend a night out.” Sources said the accumulation of these mostly positive reports led Paxson to decide the movie was probably good and to consider checking it out himself sometime this week. At press time, reports indicated Paxson was perusing theater listings and confused as to whether the new James Bond movie was titled Killing Them Softly, Deadfall, Skyfall, or Silent Night.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close