Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

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Vol 48 Issue 48

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed. Citing numerous let...

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

Nick Moyer

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Entertainment

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good. According to persons with knowledge of the situation, an unnamed friend of Paxson’s coworker Wendy Mathers watched the movie on opening weekend and found it to be “decent enough.” News of this development is believed to have then led Mathers herself to see the film the following week. Though she was overheard describing its screenplay as “kind of forgettable,” Mathers is said to have concluded that Daniel Craig’s performance redeemed the movie overall, and according to witnesses, she voiced this opinion during a work meeting at which Paxon was present. Within a few days, a second coworker had reportedly seen the film and told Paxson it was “not the worst way [he] could spend a night out.” Sources said the accumulation of these mostly positive reports led Paxson to decide the movie was probably good and to consider checking it out himself sometime this week. At press time, reports indicated Paxson was perusing theater listings and confused as to whether the new James Bond movie was titled Killing Them Softly, Deadfall, Skyfall, or Silent Night.

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