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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Repressed Molestation Memory Not What It Was Built Up To Be

WEEHAWKEN, NJ–After 22 months of therapy, Kathy Stebbins' long-repressed childhood memory of sexual abuse at the hands of her uncle finally surfaced Tuesday in a thoroughly anti-climactic breakthrough. "That was it? That was the big molestation we've been trying to draw from her subconscious for almost two years?" disappointed therapist Dr. Anderson Gruber said. "She can't open herself up emotionally to men because some hug from Uncle Gordon went on too long? Give me a break."

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