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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Republican Coma Candidate Dominates GOP Debate

HANOVER, NH—Analysts are hailing the performance of candidate John Clarkson in last Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate as a clear victory for the former Colorado representative, who following a car crash eight years ago entered a coma from which he has yet to emerge. “The entire time he was on stage, Clarkson clearly displayed a level of poise, professionalism, and real charisma that, say, a Rick Perry or Mitt Romney simply fails to match,” said NPR commentator Cokie Roberts, adding that the hypnotic beeping noises of Clarkson’s life-support system offered an appealing contrast to Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan. “At no point did Clarkson stray from his central message, talk down to the audience, or commit any sort of glaring gaffe or tactical error, and I think that clearly set him apart from every other GOP hopeful.” While some blasted Clarkson after the debate for his silence on health care, other pundits praised his strategy, saying it is to the candidate’s advantage to let Mitt Romney get in as many words as possible on this issue.

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