Republican Coma Candidate Dominates GOP Debate

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Vol 47 Issue 42

Another U.S. Downgrade Looming

Due to the inability of Congress to make any long-term budget fixes, experts are predicting another credit-rating downgrade for the United States.

Republican Presidential Debate

Fox News 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT For 35 minutes, former Utah governor Jon Huntsman tries and fails to shoehorn his sensible opinion into the debate before finally blurting out "People on welfare should starve to death" in order to get the moderato...

Something Sliding Around In Coffin

The government reduces Bernie Madoff's sentence in exchange for infiltrating and fixing the economy, leaf hunting season begins, and something is sliding around in this coffin. It's the week of October 17th, 2011.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Republican Coma Candidate Dominates GOP Debate

HANOVER, NH—Analysts are hailing the performance of candidate John Clarkson in last Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate as a clear victory for the former Colorado representative, who following a car crash eight years ago entered a coma from which he has yet to emerge. “The entire time he was on stage, Clarkson clearly displayed a level of poise, professionalism, and real charisma that, say, a Rick Perry or Mitt Romney simply fails to match,” said NPR commentator Cokie Roberts, adding that the hypnotic beeping noises of Clarkson’s life-support system offered an appealing contrast to Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan. “At no point did Clarkson stray from his central message, talk down to the audience, or commit any sort of glaring gaffe or tactical error, and I think that clearly set him apart from every other GOP hopeful.” While some blasted Clarkson after the debate for his silence on health care, other pundits praised his strategy, saying it is to the candidate’s advantage to let Mitt Romney get in as many words as possible on this issue.

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