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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Republican Congressman Terrifies Constituents Even More By Assuring Them He Read Every Part Of Healthcare Bill

WASHINGTON—Hours after casting his vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act and replace it with the GOP-authored American Health Care Act, Rep. Justin Amash (R-MI) reportedly terrified his constituents even further Friday by assuring them he had read every word of the newly passed healthcare bill. “I made sure to read the AHCA bill line by line before I went up to the rostrum to vote Yea,” said Amash in a chilling statement, which according to reports caused the blood to drain from the faces of all 700,000 constituents of his Western Michigan district. “After acquainting myself with each of the provisions of this new bill and carefully reviewing every section, I was able to make the [extremely frightening] decision to support it. I think it’s important to be informed on the issues.” At press time, residents of Michigan’s 3rd district were reportedly frozen in fear after Amash stated that he would be displeased if the Senate voted to remove any parts of the bill.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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