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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Republican Congressman Terrifies Constituents Even More By Assuring Them He Read Every Part Of Healthcare Bill

WASHINGTON—Hours after casting his vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act and replace it with the GOP-authored American Health Care Act, Rep. Justin Amash (R-MI) reportedly terrified his constituents even further Friday by assuring them he had read every word of the newly passed healthcare bill. “I made sure to read the AHCA bill line by line before I went up to the rostrum to vote Yea,” said Amash in a chilling statement, which according to reports caused the blood to drain from the faces of all 700,000 constituents of his Western Michigan district. “After acquainting myself with each of the provisions of this new bill and carefully reviewing every section, I was able to make the [extremely frightening] decision to support it. I think it’s important to be informed on the issues.” At press time, residents of Michigan’s 3rd district were reportedly frozen in fear after Amash stated that he would be displeased if the Senate voted to remove any parts of the bill.

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