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Politics

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Republican Congressman Terrifies Constituents Even More By Assuring Them He Read Every Part Of Healthcare Bill

WASHINGTON—Hours after casting his vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act and replace it with the GOP-authored American Health Care Act, Rep. Justin Amash (R-MI) reportedly terrified his constituents even further Friday by assuring them he had read every word of the newly passed healthcare bill. “I made sure to read the AHCA bill line by line before I went up to the rostrum to vote Yea,” said Amash in a chilling statement, which according to reports caused the blood to drain from the faces of all 700,000 constituents of his Western Michigan district. “After acquainting myself with each of the provisions of this new bill and carefully reviewing every section, I was able to make the [extremely frightening] decision to support it. I think it’s important to be informed on the issues.” At press time, residents of Michigan’s 3rd district were reportedly frozen in fear after Amash stated that he would be displeased if the Senate voted to remove any parts of the bill.

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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