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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Republican Party, Average Working Joe Bid One Another Adieu Until 2012

WASHINGTON—As the 2008 presidential campaign came to a close Tuesday, the Republican Party and the average American hard-working Joe bid each other a fond farewell at a small rally in Pennsylvania, vowing to meet once again, as scheduled, at the dawn of the next election season. "The Republican Party wishes to thank the Joe for his cooperation and faithful support, and we look forward to acknowledging his needs again in 2012," said GOP representative Luke Hayes, moments before getting in a car and heading back to Washington. "Until then, old friend, we'd just like to say happy trails to you and best of luck." Representatives for the average working Joe reported that the time spent together had been a pleasure, even though he did not actually get around to voting this year.

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