adBlockCheck

Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Republicans Back Universal Lawn-Care Bill

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to make "comprehensive, high-quality lawn and garden care accessible to all Americans," a coalition of House Republicans Monday introduced H.R. 4702, the Hastert-Armey Lawn-Care Reform Act.

Flanked by Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) and Rep. Dick Armey (R-TX), Rep. Dennis Hastert (R-IL) discusses a Republican-sponsored lawn-care-reform bill.

"A healthy, productive, green lawn should be a reality for everyone, not just the rich," said Sen. Dick Armey (R-TX), co-author of the bill. "No American should be forced to endure crabgrass, uneven edges, and poorly aerated soil just because they can't afford a good landscaper."

Under the bill, states would be given financial incentives to provide residents with well-manicured lawns of uniform length. Working with designated local lawn-care providers, states would also subsidize turf-building, leaf-blowing, and hedge-trimming services–making allowances for fertilizer and decorative-bark deductibles–for residents earning less than $48,500 a year.

"It's time we took the reins of power from greedy, uncaring neighborhood associations, who all too often force the private citizen to shoulder much of the financial burden of caring for their lawns," Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) said. "How sad it is that we are the richest, most powerful nation on Earth, yet millions of us do not have access to a good herbicide for our broadleaf weeds."

The bill has already received hearty endorsements from several leading suburban environmental groups, as well as grass-roots support from those living in nitrogen-poor areas.

Needy citizens like this Greenwich, CT, pair would benefit from the proposed universal lawn-care bill.

"No longer will you or your neighbor have to live with discolored turf, dead spots, and inadequately pruned shrubs," Armey said. "From now on, all Americans, regardless of how soft their soil is, will enjoy the right to quality weeding, mowing, and irrigation. This bill will give each and every lawn the tender, loving care it deserves."

Though Democratic critics argue that the establishment of a federal lawn-care system would increase administrative costs while depriving the individual of his choice of lawn-care providers, most are willing to support the bill in principle.

"The bill, as proposed, is not without flaws," Sen. Paul Wellstone (D-MN) said. "As it stands, it will benefit John Deere, Scott's, and the other companies that make up Big Lawn as much as it does the average homeowner. But it is undeniably a step in the right direction."

If passed, the bill would provide full fertilizer coverage for the estimated 22 million U.S. lawns that are currently uncovered.

"We cannot afford to take the health of our nation's lawns for granted," Armey said. "But for every problem, I have full confidence that American landscaping know-how can find a solution, whether it be hardy perennial grasses, dwarf shade trees, or even full-scale resodding. We will find a solution, because we must. After all, what is more important than having a nice lawn?"

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close