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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Republicans Back Universal Lawn-Care Bill

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to make "comprehensive, high-quality lawn and garden care accessible to all Americans," a coalition of House Republicans Monday introduced H.R. 4702, the Hastert-Armey Lawn-Care Reform Act.

Flanked by Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) and Rep. Dick Armey (R-TX), Rep. Dennis Hastert (R-IL) discusses a Republican-sponsored lawn-care-reform bill.

"A healthy, productive, green lawn should be a reality for everyone, not just the rich," said Sen. Dick Armey (R-TX), co-author of the bill. "No American should be forced to endure crabgrass, uneven edges, and poorly aerated soil just because they can't afford a good landscaper."

Under the bill, states would be given financial incentives to provide residents with well-manicured lawns of uniform length. Working with designated local lawn-care providers, states would also subsidize turf-building, leaf-blowing, and hedge-trimming services–making allowances for fertilizer and decorative-bark deductibles–for residents earning less than $48,500 a year.

"It's time we took the reins of power from greedy, uncaring neighborhood associations, who all too often force the private citizen to shoulder much of the financial burden of caring for their lawns," Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) said. "How sad it is that we are the richest, most powerful nation on Earth, yet millions of us do not have access to a good herbicide for our broadleaf weeds."

The bill has already received hearty endorsements from several leading suburban environmental groups, as well as grass-roots support from those living in nitrogen-poor areas.

Needy citizens like this Greenwich, CT, pair would benefit from the proposed universal lawn-care bill.

"No longer will you or your neighbor have to live with discolored turf, dead spots, and inadequately pruned shrubs," Armey said. "From now on, all Americans, regardless of how soft their soil is, will enjoy the right to quality weeding, mowing, and irrigation. This bill will give each and every lawn the tender, loving care it deserves."

Though Democratic critics argue that the establishment of a federal lawn-care system would increase administrative costs while depriving the individual of his choice of lawn-care providers, most are willing to support the bill in principle.

"The bill, as proposed, is not without flaws," Sen. Paul Wellstone (D-MN) said. "As it stands, it will benefit John Deere, Scott's, and the other companies that make up Big Lawn as much as it does the average homeowner. But it is undeniably a step in the right direction."

If passed, the bill would provide full fertilizer coverage for the estimated 22 million U.S. lawns that are currently uncovered.

"We cannot afford to take the health of our nation's lawns for granted," Armey said. "But for every problem, I have full confidence that American landscaping know-how can find a solution, whether it be hardy perennial grasses, dwarf shade trees, or even full-scale resodding. We will find a solution, because we must. After all, what is more important than having a nice lawn?"

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