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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Republicans Condemn Akin's Comments As Blemish On Party's Otherwise Spotless Women's Rights Record

WASHINGTON—In the wake of last weekend’s highly controversial comments from Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO), top Republican officials condemned the congressman’s statements Monday, calling them a black mark on the party’s otherwise flawless record on women’s rights issues. “Throughout our history, whether it’s been our position on birth control, abortion, or equal pay for equal work, Republicans have always stood together with women, listening to their needs and fighting for issues that are are important to them. That is why we were stunned that someone from our own party could have made such insensitive remarks or expressed such uninformed opinions about women,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, calling Akin’s comments an outlier, especially when one considers the huge, progressive strides—both personally and professionally—the GOP has helped women make over the years. “We apologize for Congressman Akin. And we want the nation’s women to know that they will continue to have no greater ally than the the Republican Party.” Priebus added that while there was certainly no excuse for Akin’s comments, after 150 years without a single insensitive remark against women, perhaps the GOP was due.

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