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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

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PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Rescue Chip Sent In To Save Broken Tostito Submerged In 7-Layer Dip

The rescue chip is lowered down into the dip in the mission’s early stages.
The rescue chip is lowered down into the dip in the mission’s early stages.

AKRON, OH—Calling the situation dangerous and a rescue operation “very risky,” authorities have confirmed they will now lower a rescue chip into a seven-layer dip to save a broken Tostito that got caught in the party spread approximately 45 seconds ago.

According to sources, the rescue snack—a restaurant-style corn chip with high-grade scooping capabilities—will be carefully lowered into the unstable dip, whereupon it will attempt to hook underneath the stranded chip, lift the bisected snack out of the multi-layered food mixture, and bring it to safety.

Sources confirm that it’s a daring rescue operation that represents the last, best hope for the trapped chip.

Click to enlarge.

“What we’re looking at here is a worst-case scenario. The initial chip is so embedded in the dip that it can’t be extricated by conventional means,” said the 28-year-old leader of the emergency operation, Jason Larkin, who reportedly was present when the initial chip fractured in two, leaving its lower half helplessly submerged in a composite of salsa, refried beans, and ground beef. “If everything goes as planned, and it’s a big if at this point, we’ll be able to make sure both of these chips get out of there okay.”

“Look, it could have been a combination of factors, including a lack of hand support, or maybe the chip was one of the flimsier ones, or maybe it was just a freak accident,” Larkin continued, trying to explain the cause of the disaster. “But we can answer those questions later. Now we just have to focus on going in there and getting it out.”

According to Larkin, the key to a successful operation is finding a secure entry point into the dip, preferably one with as little sour cream as possible. Larkin said that while olives and shredded lettuce are certainly obstructions, they present little danger in terms of snapping the rescue chip in half.

“We have to be meticulous about this, because the last thing we want is to lose the emergency tortilla,” said Larkin, adding that it would be a major setback for the entire operation. “I’d say right now, we have a 50/50 chance of success. And I would ask that everybody please say a prayer for this chip’s safe return.”

According to Larkin, catastrophe struck at approximately 4 p.m. after the initial chip made its ill-advised descent into the heart of a glass serving container of seven-layer dip. Larkin said that the most likely cause of the incident was that while the corn chip easily penetrated the surface layers of olives and shredded cheese, it probably encountered significant resistance while attempting to make its way through the more unforgiving tier of guacamole, which ultimately proved too viscous to surmount.

Last known file photo of the wounded chip.

Sources claimed the accumulated toppings combined with the pace of the scoop created far too much torque, causing the chip to abruptly sever in two.

“Time is definitely not on our side here,” said Larkin, who noted that the submerged chip segment is only getting soggier by the minute. “The isolated chip is currently holding up pretty well, given the circumstances, but it’s slowly absorbing more and more of the salsa, and there are a couple of smaller chip fragments in the immediate area. These factors will make it increasingly difficult for this second chip to get everything out of there cleanly.”

Though the leader of the rescue operation said he was confident that, if performed correctly, the complex extraction would result in both chips emerging from the dip safe and sound, he said he blamed himself for allowing such a risky situation to develop.

“Unfortunately, I’ve had experience with this kind of thing before, and I hold myself personally responsible,” said Larkin, who admitted that he never should have sent the initial chip in so deep in the first place. “I’m truly sorry for getting everyone into this mess.”

At press time, witnesses confirmed that the rescue chip had snapped in half upon attempting to navigate a particularly dense pocket of dip, forcing Larkin to pursue a last-ditch effort of extracting both chips by deploying of a pair of rescue fingertips.

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