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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Rescued Baby Bird Wearing Out Welcome

SAN JOSE, CA—The abandoned baby robin rescued by 7-year-old Todd Jeffries Friday morning has long since overstayed its welcome, Sycamore Drive sources reported. "It was adorable when he first brought the bird home," said father Ken. "We thought it would be a chance for him to learn about compassion and how to take care of another living creature. But it's been five days, the damn thing squawks all night long, and I've already spent 25 bucks on mealworms." According to Jeffries, he's giving the bird two more days to learn how to fly and then he's going to snap its neck and be done with it.

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