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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Researchers Announce They Don’t Have Heart To Reveal What Will Happen To 1 In 5 Women

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Having difficulty looking gathered members of the press in the eye, researchers from the University of Virginia announced at a news conference Wednesday that they didn’t have the heart to reveal what a recent study determined will happen to one in five women in the U.S. “You really don’t want to know what our findings say 20 percent of all women are likely to experience in their lifetime—you’ve just got to trust us on this,” said lead researcher Simon Hart, taking a deep breath and struggling to keep himself composed, before adding that compiling and analyzing data from a survey of over 1,000 women across the country had left him and his colleagues “a little messed up.” “If I could, I would erase from my mind every one of the results that our research team uncovered. It’s just…I…I just don’t have it in me to say what we concluded. For your sake, I think we’ll keep that to ourselves. Excuse me.” A teary-eyed Hart then reportedly walked off stage, called his wife and daughter, and told them he loved them very, very much.

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