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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Researchers Discover Female Frogs Prefer Mate Who Knows Way Around The Cloaca

MONTEVERDE, COSTA RICA—A new study released by the Monteverde Institute today has found that when selecting a mate, female frogs demonstrate a clear preference for males who know a thing or two about the cloaca. “The pulse and duration of the male’s mating call certainly plays a role in the female’s selection process, but we now know they also place a strong emphasis on the male’s ability to understand the cloaca and work it just right, either with their digits or with their tongues,” said lead researcher Adreana Morán, who went on to explain that the most desirable mates intuitively understand that the female cloaca—the posterior opening from which urine, feces, and eggs are discharged—is not simply an on/off switch, but a delicate instrument that, with a little know-how, can be stimulated to yield blissful results. “The most competitive mates begin stimulating the cloaca indirectly, arousing the female with low croaking sounds and light touches to her abdomen and webbing. If he doesn’t rush into the amplexus posture too quickly, by the time the male gets to the cloaca, she’s already putty in his frontal legs.” Morán added that a significant number of males also enjoyed having their cloacas stimulated.

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