adBlockCheck

Recent News

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Researchers Discover Female Frogs Prefer Mate Who Knows Way Around The Cloaca

MONTEVERDE, COSTA RICA—A new study released by the Monteverde Institute today has found that when selecting a mate, female frogs demonstrate a clear preference for males who know a thing or two about the cloaca. “The pulse and duration of the male’s mating call certainly plays a role in the female’s selection process, but we now know they also place a strong emphasis on the male’s ability to understand the cloaca and work it just right, either with their digits or with their tongues,” said lead researcher Adreana Morán, who went on to explain that the most desirable mates intuitively understand that the female cloaca—the posterior opening from which urine, feces, and eggs are discharged—is not simply an on/off switch, but a delicate instrument that, with a little know-how, can be stimulated to yield blissful results. “The most competitive mates begin stimulating the cloaca indirectly, arousing the female with low croaking sounds and light touches to her abdomen and webbing. If he doesn’t rush into the amplexus posture too quickly, by the time the male gets to the cloaca, she’s already putty in his frontal legs.” Morán added that a significant number of males also enjoyed having their cloacas stimulated.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close