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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Researchers Find Human Beings Naturally Evolved Toward Monogamy And Carrying On Fun Little Flings On Side

BOULDER, CO—A study released this week by biologists at the University of Colorado has found that over the course of millions of years, humans steadily evolved to form monogamous pair bonds and also have a fun little fling or two here and there. “Approximately 3.5 million years ago, our early hominid ancestors first began to develop long-term, exclusive pairings with their mates while getting themselves a little something extra on the side, too,” said lead researcher James Garvey, who added that by the Pleistocene Epoch, our ancestors had been hardwired to enjoy the occasional purely physical, no-strings-attached dalliance if the opportunity happened to present itself amid their otherwise monogamous lifestyles. “The tendency of human beings to provide for their young resulted in both male and female parents cohabiting but every now and then slipping off elsewhere to get some outside action, whether it was just a one-time thing or fairly regular hookups with someone they had an understanding with about this kind of thing. In this way, forming stable, monogamous pairs while every so often indulging one’s innate, red-blooded urges with a different partner has become a fundamental biological trait of our species.” The researchers, who emphasized that such flings are “totally natural,” went on to note that there was no evolutionary reason why anyone needed to know about them.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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