adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Researchers Find Human Beings Naturally Evolved Toward Monogamy And Carrying On Fun Little Flings On Side

BOULDER, CO—A study released this week by biologists at the University of Colorado has found that over the course of millions of years, humans steadily evolved to form monogamous pair bonds and also have a fun little fling or two here and there. “Approximately 3.5 million years ago, our early hominid ancestors first began to develop long-term, exclusive pairings with their mates while getting themselves a little something extra on the side, too,” said lead researcher James Garvey, who added that by the Pleistocene Epoch, our ancestors had been hardwired to enjoy the occasional purely physical, no-strings-attached dalliance if the opportunity happened to present itself amid their otherwise monogamous lifestyles. “The tendency of human beings to provide for their young resulted in both male and female parents cohabiting but every now and then slipping off elsewhere to get some outside action, whether it was just a one-time thing or fairly regular hookups with someone they had an understanding with about this kind of thing. In this way, forming stable, monogamous pairs while every so often indulging one’s innate, red-blooded urges with a different partner has become a fundamental biological trait of our species.” The researchers, who emphasized that such flings are “totally natural,” went on to note that there was no evolutionary reason why anyone needed to know about them.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close