Researchers Find Human Beings Naturally Evolved Toward Monogamy And Carrying On Fun Little Flings On Side

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TGI Fridays

Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Man Has No Idea What To Do With Good Mood

FRANKLIN, WI—Weighing various options for how to proceed given the unexpectedness of the situation, local 33-year-old Trevor Clifford was reportedly at a complete loss as to what he should do Monday after suddenly finding himself in a good mood.

Planning The Perfect Road Trip

With summer fast approaching, many people are planning long car trips to visit tourist attractions, see old friends, or simply hit the open road.

Fun-Loving Turtle All Business When It's Feeding Time

GATLINBURG, TN—Though playful and fun-loving through the vast majority of his day, local pet turtle Beeper instantly ceases all frivolity and grows intensely focused when it comes time for his daily feeding, owner Martin DeCarlo reported Monday.

Abandoned Mall Retains Eerie Vestiges Of Fun Shopping Atmosphere

ROSEVILLE, MN–The silent hull of Northlands Mall disquieted Erik Sandvig Monday, when the local man gazed through the locked glass doors of what was, in happier times, "Roseville's One-Stop Shopping Fun Zone." "Man, it's really creepy," Sandvig said of the once-thriving mall's mausoleum-like stillness. "There's the Sam Goody where you could get all the hottest new releases. And right next door is the Foot Locker that had all your favorite gear from Nike and Adidas." His nostalgic longing satisfied, Sandvig walked on, leaving the ghosts of former fun-seeking shoppers to roam the aisles undisturbed.

Snacktime Made More Fun

ORRVILLE, OH—The national pastime of eating delicious, reasonably priced snack-food items between meals was made more fun Monday, when the J.M. Smucker Company introduced Smucker's® Super-Snackers. The new product, which differs from ordinary Smucker's® Snackers due to the inclusion of new "Magic" Color-Change Sprinkles, is expected to propel already-soaring national snacktime-fun levels to unprecedented heights by mid-spring.
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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

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TGI Fridays

Researchers Find Human Beings Naturally Evolved Toward Monogamy And Carrying On Fun Little Flings On Side

BOULDER, CO—A study released this week by biologists at the University of Colorado has found that over the course of millions of years, humans steadily evolved to form monogamous pair bonds and also have a fun little fling or two here and there. “Approximately 3.5 million years ago, our early hominid ancestors first began to develop long-term, exclusive pairings with their mates while getting themselves a little something extra on the side, too,” said lead researcher James Garvey, who added that by the Pleistocene Epoch, our ancestors had been hardwired to enjoy the occasional purely physical, no-strings-attached dalliance if the opportunity happened to present itself amid their otherwise monogamous lifestyles. “The tendency of human beings to provide for their young resulted in both male and female parents cohabiting but every now and then slipping off elsewhere to get some outside action, whether it was just a one-time thing or fairly regular hookups with someone they had an understanding with about this kind of thing. In this way, forming stable, monogamous pairs while every so often indulging one’s innate, red-blooded urges with a different partner has become a fundamental biological trait of our species.” The researchers, who emphasized that such flings are “totally natural,” went on to note that there was no evolutionary reason why anyone needed to know about them.

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