adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Residents Of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness

'We Are Indiana,' New Hive Mind Announces

Fort Wayne, IN residents before their 130-mile march to join the rest of the hive mind in Indianapolis.
Fort Wayne, IN residents before their 130-mile march to join the rest of the hive mind in Indianapolis.

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources have confirmed that at approximately 10:30 a.m. today all 6.5 million residents of Indiana spontaneously exited their homes and places of business, formed thousands of perfectly uniform rows, and appeared to join together in a collective consciousness.

"We are Indiana," the newly established hive mind announced loudly, using the unified voice of what was once every individual man, woman, and child in the Hoosier State.

A full two hours of silence then ensued, with the millions of formerly independent citizens of Indiana looking straight ahead without speaking or blinking.

The federal government has reportedly approached the developing situation carefully, especially after President Obama's requests to speak with Indiana governor Mitch Daniels were met with the response "There is no more Gov. Mitch Daniels. Indiana is Gov. Mitch Daniels. Gov. Mitch Daniels is Indiana."

"There are no more mothers or fathers or brothers or sisters," said the single consciousness, an identical smile on the face of each of its human components. "Indiana is mother and father and brother and sister. There is only Indiana."

Indianans will not confirm what the superstructure is for, saying only that it is necessary for the strength, supremacy, and longevity of Indiana.

"Only Indiana," the hive mind added precisely 100 times before again falling silent.

At roughly 1 p.m., sources monitoring the state reported a great flurry of activity taking place all across Indiana, with the interconnected citizenry working in perfect unison to demolish houses and buildings in order to gather materials for a massive geometric superstructure in downtown Indianapolis. The facility is believed to include a subterranean complex that branches out for hundreds of miles underground, and preliminary reports have described the construction of enormous chambers within a rapidly growing structure where the combined human biomass of Indiana will ostensibly gather to feed, sleep, and breed.

In addition, thousands of enfeebled and elderly Indianans have either willingly submitted themselves to liquidation or have terminated themselves in efforts to further strengthen the hive mind.

Amid the efficient centralization of the state's available resources, the collective consciousness also made it clear that Indiana would no longer export any of the agricultural products the state is known for, such as corn, soybeans, and wheat.

"All corn is for Indiana," Indiana said.

Though most Americans were at a loss to explain what the harmonization of Indiana’s awareness ultimately means, experts agreed the newly formed collective could have a major impact on the 2012 presidential race.

"Whoever receives just a single vote from Indiana stands to gain 11 electoral votes right off the bat," said political analyst David Sumner, adding that Indiana can be expected to report its results within four seconds of the polls opening on Nov. 6. "Look for the nominees to spend a lot of time on the ground in Indiana attempting to demonstrate they are the candidate who can most effectively address the hive mind's stated needs of 'all' and 'everything.'"

Residents in adjacent states said they remain somewhat uneasy with the recent developments in Indiana, particularly in the wake of several enigmatic statements the new consciousness has made about its neighbors to the north, south, east, and west.

"Ohio will become Indiana," the hive mind told reporters. "Michigan will become Indiana. Illinois will become Indiana. Kentucky will become Indiana. Canada will become Indiana."

"All will become Indiana," Indiana added.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close