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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances

DAYTON, OH—Admiring how he could assemble a sour demeanor from practically nothing, employees at Western Business Services told reporters Friday their coworker Mark Daniels has the ability to cobble together a bad mood from just a handful of minor annoyances. “Just by combining a couple trivial irritations with a few petty nuisances, Mark’s able to construct a really shitty mood—in fact, he does it all the time,” said Daniels’ colleague Rachel Smith, adding that she once observed the enterprising 36-year-old hastily throw together news that the office coffee machine was broken along with the slight aggravation of a restaurant forgetting to include ketchup packets in his lunch order to create a week-long funk. “He’s just so inventive in how he takes such miniscule inconveniences and incorporates them in ingenious ways to build an awful fucking attitude. It seems pretty challenging to me, but Mark’s able to do it just like that.” Several reports indicated that while Daniels has the ability to manufacture a bad mood at any time, it requires an overwhelming amount of positive experiences for him to scrape together good spirits.

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