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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances

DAYTON, OH—Admiring how he could assemble a sour demeanor from practically nothing, employees at Western Business Services told reporters Friday their coworker Mark Daniels has the ability to cobble together a bad mood from just a handful of minor annoyances. “Just by combining a couple trivial irritations with a few petty nuisances, Mark’s able to construct a really shitty mood—in fact, he does it all the time,” said Daniels’ colleague Rachel Smith, adding that she once observed the enterprising 36-year-old hastily throw together news that the office coffee machine was broken along with the slight aggravation of a restaurant forgetting to include ketchup packets in his lunch order to create a week-long funk. “He’s just so inventive in how he takes such miniscule inconveniences and incorporates them in ingenious ways to build an awful fucking attitude. It seems pretty challenging to me, but Mark’s able to do it just like that.” Several reports indicated that while Daniels has the ability to manufacture a bad mood at any time, it requires an overwhelming amount of positive experiences for him to scrape together good spirits.

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