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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Responsibilities Track Man Down Inside Dream

NATE WHITMAN'S SUBCONSCIOUS—After an extensive search of local resident Nate Whitman's euphoric sleeping fantasy, a crack team of his most pressing responsibilities was finally able to locate the 29-year-old claims adjuster at 5:30 a.m., one hour before his alarm clock was set to go off. "It looks like we arrived just in time," said Whitman's two-month-old outstanding car payment, speaking on behalf of itself and several other responsibilities—including his mother's upcoming birthday and next week's jury duty selection. "He was being fellated by Scarlett Johansson while piloting a Jet Ski at high speeds. We're lucky we caught up to him before he started flying." After leading him through a vivid fantasy of taking his work shirts into the dry cleaners, Whitman's responsibilities turned him over to several embarrassing moments from high school for his remaining 45 minutes of fitful slumber.

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