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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Responsible, Thoughtful Nation Decides To Ignore Charlie Sheen Situation

LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation "none of our business" and "not worth a second of our time, quite frankly," a responsible and thoughtful U.S. populace uniformly decided this week to ignore Charlie Sheen's recent outbursts, saying they had far more important things to focus on than a sitcom actor's personal troubles. "When Mr. Sheen's public meltdown began, I immediately recognized how a Hollywood star's crisis could be voyeuristically appealing, which is exactly why I said to myself, 'I am better than that; Charlie Sheen's attention-seeking behavior undermines my intelligence, and the sooner I ignore it, the sooner it will go away,'" said 41-year-old Denver accounts coordinator Margaret Atkins, who along with the rest of the nation has paid no attention to Sheen's situation, and has spent the majority of her time concentrating on the unrest in Libya, the collective-bargaining debate in the Midwest, and the health and well-being of her own family. "Not only have I chosen to ignore Mr. Sheen, but thankfully so has the American media, which has once again shown journalistic decency by only reporting the news that people legitimately need to know." Charlie Sheen was not sought out for comment.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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