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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Responsible, Thoughtful Nation Decides To Ignore Charlie Sheen Situation

LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation "none of our business" and "not worth a second of our time, quite frankly," a responsible and thoughtful U.S. populace uniformly decided this week to ignore Charlie Sheen's recent outbursts, saying they had far more important things to focus on than a sitcom actor's personal troubles. "When Mr. Sheen's public meltdown began, I immediately recognized how a Hollywood star's crisis could be voyeuristically appealing, which is exactly why I said to myself, 'I am better than that; Charlie Sheen's attention-seeking behavior undermines my intelligence, and the sooner I ignore it, the sooner it will go away,'" said 41-year-old Denver accounts coordinator Margaret Atkins, who along with the rest of the nation has paid no attention to Sheen's situation, and has spent the majority of her time concentrating on the unrest in Libya, the collective-bargaining debate in the Midwest, and the health and well-being of her own family. "Not only have I chosen to ignore Mr. Sheen, but thankfully so has the American media, which has once again shown journalistic decency by only reporting the news that people legitimately need to know." Charlie Sheen was not sought out for comment.

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