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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Rest Of Evening Spent Declaring Asshole Not Going To Ruin Evening

SAN RAMON, CA—Following a brief and uncomfortable confrontation with an obnoxious stranger during their night out, a local group of friends spent the remainder of the evening declaring that they would not let the total asshole ruin their evening, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s over, so let’s just pretend it never happened and enjoy the night,” said Jason Madigan, 29, sharing a sentiment that each remaining member of the party reportedly took turns restating every 10 to 15 minutes throughout the rest of the evening as they all continued to replay the incident over and over in their minds. “What happened, happened. We’re here, we’re having a good time, and that guy’s not going to change it.” Sources confirmed that when the group of friends later look back on their night out, the unpleasant incident is all that will be remembered.

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