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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a totally unwanted twist on Mexican cuisine. “You’ll find all your favorite Mexican dishes on our menu, but with completely unnecessary alterations that no one wants or has ever once asked for,” said Bento Burrito founder Alex Cochran, noting that as part of the restaurant’s efforts to make arbitrary, superfluous Japanese substitutions, patrons would have no choice but to eat their house-made tortilla chips with wasabi instead of salsa. “Enchiladas are a delicious traditional Mexican standard, so there’s no need to add pickled ginger to them, but that’s exactly what we did. Or if you’re looking for lighter fare, simply stop in and shake your head at our tacos that come topped with a wholly uncalled-for pile of bean sprouts.” Cochran encouraged residents to check out the restaurant’s menu online, guaranteeing that every customer would be 100 percent infuriated by item names ranging from Teriyaquitos to Sake-ritas.

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