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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Restaurant's Extreme Burger Challenge Moved Down To Regular Menu

COLUMBUS, OH—According to staff at Dusty’s Kitchen, the local restaurant’s extreme burger challenge, formerly described as “an insurmountable mountain of beef and cheese,” has recently been moved down to the regular dinner menu. “When we first started selling the Colossus Burger, we didn’t actually think more than a handful of people would attempt to finish it, but now it’s our most popular item,” said Dusty’s shift manager Rachel Ferguson, referring to the 10-pound tower of hamburger patties, bacon, onion rings, and three kinds of cheese, which also comes with five pounds of french fries and which is reportedly now referred to on the menu simply as “The Classic.” “Honestly, it got to the point where every single customer who tackled that burger was polishing it off no problem, and well under the 30-minute time limit, too. We were giving out free meals and ‘I Slayed the Mighty Colossus’ T-shirts left and right.” Ferguson noted that the restaurant has since upgraded its challenge burger to an enhanced 40-pound version referred to as “The Leviathan,” which at press time was being enjoyed by eight different Dusty’s patrons.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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