adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
End Of Section
  • More News

Restaurant's Extreme Burger Challenge Moved Down To Regular Menu

COLUMBUS, OH—According to staff at Dusty’s Kitchen, the local restaurant’s extreme burger challenge, formerly described as “an insurmountable mountain of beef and cheese,” has recently been moved down to the regular dinner menu. “When we first started selling the Colossus Burger, we didn’t actually think more than a handful of people would attempt to finish it, but now it’s our most popular item,” said Dusty’s shift manager Rachel Ferguson, referring to the 10-pound tower of hamburger patties, bacon, onion rings, and three kinds of cheese, which also comes with five pounds of french fries and which is reportedly now referred to on the menu simply as “The Classic.” “Honestly, it got to the point where every single customer who tackled that burger was polishing it off no problem, and well under the 30-minute time limit, too. We were giving out free meals and ‘I Slayed the Mighty Colossus’ T-shirts left and right.” Ferguson noted that the restaurant has since upgraded its challenge burger to an enhanced 40-pound version referred to as “The Leviathan,” which at press time was being enjoyed by eight different Dusty’s patrons.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close