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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Restaurant's Extreme Burger Challenge Moved Down To Regular Menu

COLUMBUS, OH—According to staff at Dusty’s Kitchen, the local restaurant’s extreme burger challenge, formerly described as “an insurmountable mountain of beef and cheese,” has recently been moved down to the regular dinner menu. “When we first started selling the Colossus Burger, we didn’t actually think more than a handful of people would attempt to finish it, but now it’s our most popular item,” said Dusty’s shift manager Rachel Ferguson, referring to the 10-pound tower of hamburger patties, bacon, onion rings, and three kinds of cheese, which also comes with five pounds of french fries and which is reportedly now referred to on the menu simply as “The Classic.” “Honestly, it got to the point where every single customer who tackled that burger was polishing it off no problem, and well under the 30-minute time limit, too. We were giving out free meals and ‘I Slayed the Mighty Colossus’ T-shirts left and right.” Ferguson noted that the restaurant has since upgraded its challenge burger to an enhanced 40-pound version referred to as “The Leviathan,” which at press time was being enjoyed by eight different Dusty’s patrons.

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