adBlockCheck

Retired Factory Worker Had No Idea Earnings From ’50s Would Have To Support 3 Generations Of Family

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Retired Factory Worker Had No Idea Earnings From ’50s Would Have To Support 3 Generations Of Family

STERLING, IL—Saying it was the furthest thing from his mind when he clocked in each day at the Northwestern Steel and Wire factory in the 1950s, retired laborer Henry Mitchell, 84, told reporters Monday that he had absolutely no idea his earnings from six decades ago would have to support the next three generations of his family. “Back then, I knew I needed the money I was making on the production line to feed and clothe my kids, but I really had no clue that my grandkids and even their kids would still rely on it all these years later,” said Mitchell, noting that, had he realized his wages operating a metal rolling machine during the middle of the previous century would eventually be called upon to provide for 11 separate family members, he would have done a better job budgeting his weekly salary of $65. “At this point, I’ve pretty much run through my savings paying off my son’s mortgage. And, no matter how I cut it, my pension dollars just aren’t going to stretch much farther, not with [grandchildren] Tom and Karen still out of work and five great-grandchildren who will one day need to go to college. Boy, I wish I’d gotten that promotion to furnace operator sooner.” Mitchell then lamented to reporters that things could have been better for his descendants if only he hadn’t taken his wife on that expensive cross-country honeymoon railroad trip in 1951.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close