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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Retired Factory Worker Had No Idea Earnings From ’50s Would Have To Support 3 Generations Of Family

STERLING, IL—Saying it was the furthest thing from his mind when he clocked in each day at the Northwestern Steel and Wire factory in the 1950s, retired laborer Henry Mitchell, 84, told reporters Monday that he had absolutely no idea his earnings from six decades ago would have to support the next three generations of his family. “Back then, I knew I needed the money I was making on the production line to feed and clothe my kids, but I really had no clue that my grandkids and even their kids would still rely on it all these years later,” said Mitchell, noting that, had he realized his wages operating a metal rolling machine during the middle of the previous century would eventually be called upon to provide for 11 separate family members, he would have done a better job budgeting his weekly salary of $65. “At this point, I’ve pretty much run through my savings paying off my son’s mortgage. And, no matter how I cut it, my pension dollars just aren’t going to stretch much farther, not with [grandchildren] Tom and Karen still out of work and five great-grandchildren who will one day need to go to college. Boy, I wish I’d gotten that promotion to furnace operator sooner.” Mitchell then lamented to reporters that things could have been better for his descendants if only he hadn’t taken his wife on that expensive cross-country honeymoon railroad trip in 1951.

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