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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Retired Factory Worker Had No Idea Earnings From ’50s Would Have To Support 3 Generations Of Family

STERLING, IL—Saying it was the furthest thing from his mind when he clocked in each day at the Northwestern Steel and Wire factory in the 1950s, retired laborer Henry Mitchell, 84, told reporters Monday that he had absolutely no idea his earnings from six decades ago would have to support the next three generations of his family. “Back then, I knew I needed the money I was making on the production line to feed and clothe my kids, but I really had no clue that my grandkids and even their kids would still rely on it all these years later,” said Mitchell, noting that, had he realized his wages operating a metal rolling machine during the middle of the previous century would eventually be called upon to provide for 11 separate family members, he would have done a better job budgeting his weekly salary of $65. “At this point, I’ve pretty much run through my savings paying off my son’s mortgage. And, no matter how I cut it, my pension dollars just aren’t going to stretch much farther, not with [grandchildren] Tom and Karen still out of work and five great-grandchildren who will one day need to go to college. Boy, I wish I’d gotten that promotion to furnace operator sooner.” Mitchell then lamented to reporters that things could have been better for his descendants if only he hadn’t taken his wife on that expensive cross-country honeymoon railroad trip in 1951.

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